The pain that comes from learning that your ways of living was taught as true to your detriment, is really the hurt of feeling that you should have known this already. I am an intelligent woman who has been dealt some dumbass circumstances. As I see myself as this, it only became more apparent that people will treat you how they feel about themselves. The blind leading the blind and hitting my head a few times too many; I had to be willing to take the uncharted path to learn about myself fully. I am aware we came into this world alone. We have individual experiences no matter how close you are to somebody in the same space and time. It takes a person with courage and not caring about how the message sounds to understand that they care enough to let you know you can get out of what doesn't serve you.
I feel it's healthy when you can respect your solitude and recognize what should and should not be tolerated. It's hard when you do not have those living and breathing examples of simply putting yourself first without it being a threat to society to be selfish in your own right. Even if it's for your own good. There is a history of women who look like me that carried the weight of so much. To this day we still carry burdens in the name of "love' when it really is just people pleasing. Yup, that hurt to realize. The women before me would let me know to choose myself, but not practicing what they preached.
I kept seeing the people I care about choose fear over everything. Whether it's the fear of change or fear of knowing when you messed up so the change can happen; fear is often chosen over love. Over compassion. Over hope. It is the denial of self. Denying that we are afraid in order to not change leaves us becoming victims to our circumstances. Fuck that. These very things that are near to the heart I can no longer deny myself. Be afraid but move in that until you're out of it. I have to move with these tides. With this revealed it has led me into a disturbance because I can no longer show up as I once did. I can no longer fake it. I'm on the other side now and I'm going to fucking step.
Artwork by ArrogantKei